Are You Present With Your Children?

By: Margaret Paul

Are You Present With Your Children?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

How often are you fully and completely present when you are
with your children? One of the greatest gifts we can give to
our children is to be fully present with them. This can
often be a big challenge.

When my three children were growing up, I worked full time
as a counselor, wrote books, traveled on book tours, and
pursued my passion as an artist - in addition to spending
time with my husband. The only way I could be fully present
when I was with my children was to set aside "time alone"
with them. "Time alone" was daily quality time I spent with
each of my children, doing whatever they wanted to do.
During this time I did not answer the phone or deal with the
many issues of running a household. It was time set aside to
be fully present with them, not even thinking about other
things.

The message you give to your children when you don't spend
quality time being fully present is that they are not
important. When answering the phone, or getting things done,
or thinking about what you have to do tomorrow is more
important than being present with your children, they get
the message that being with them and really knowing them is
not very important to you.

When I was growing up, my mother was always busy. She never
had the time to just be with me. She never wanted to know
about my thoughts and feelings, or about how things were
going at school. She never had the time to play with me or
just hang out with me. While she said that she loved me and
that I was important to her, I never felt it. Words don't
cut it when the actions don't follow.

If it is not important to you to just be with your children
- talking with them, playing with them, taking a walk,
holding them, listening to them, sharing love with them,
gazing at them with love - then they will likely not feel
loved by you. No matter how many things you buy them, or how
often you tell them you love them, if they are not important
enough to you to REALLY be with them, then it is likely they
will not feel loved and cherished by you.

Your children need your focused attention, and when they
don't get it, they may pull for it in various ways. They may
chatter on and on, trying to keep your attention. They may
act out by fighting with each other, or by not listening to
you or going into resistance regarding chores, homework,
hygiene, bedtime, and so on. For many children, even
negative attention feels better than no attention. This may
create a very negative vicious circle, in that the more they
act out, the less you feeling like being with them, but the
less you are with them in a loving and attentive way, the
more they may act out.

Think about how you feel when someone gives you his or her
full attention. Doesn't it feel wonderful? How often does
someone look you in the eyes and give you his or her full
attention? How often do you feel really listened to and
heard by someone? Unfortunately, many people are so intent
on being listened to and heard that they don't listen and
hear.

The simple act of being fully present with your children
will do more for them than you can imagine. I have many
clients who were deeply impacted by a friend or relative who
really listened to them - even if it only occurred
occasionally.

You have an opportunity to give your children a great gift -
being fully present with them with your love, compassion,
empathy, interest, sense of humor, playfulness, and
affection. You have the opportunity each day, even if it is
just for half an hour, to fully cherish them.

They grow up so fast. Don't miss this opportunity each day.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.