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Care for the Caregiver
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| By: Mark Sichel |
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Care for the Caregiver
by Mark Sichel, LCSW
Being a caregiver to an ailing spouse, a sick child, an ageing
parent, or a sick friend is a uniquely difficult undertaking. Sadly,
caregivers, who deserve nothing but the highest reward for their
dedication, instead can receive a host of psychological and emotional
problems for their trouble. The unrelenting demands of being a
caregiver can take their toll on the individual, causing anger,
confusion, anxiety, and depression. The sad irony is that the
caregiver who succumbs to these negative emotions, is less effective
as a caregiver, a family member, a friend and an individual. It is
about time that we recognize that the caregiver needs and deserves
care, too: care from himself, care from his loved ones and even care
from his sick partner.
The most jarring emotion that flares up and surprises a caregiver is
anger. Frequently, the caregiver will find himself feeling angry
toward his ailing loved one. The anger does NOT mean that the
caregiver is unfeeling or unloving towards his sick partner. People
commonly feel angry with their loved ones for taking ill, despite the
fact that their loved one obviously did not want to become sick. The
anger is an irrational --but natural-- symptom of the fear that we
ALL experience when we think about the impending loss of someone
close to us. The caregiver, however, because of the nature of his
relationship with his sick partner, is usually beset with guilt when
his anger arises, feeling as if he is somehow betraying his loved one
or failing at his duty.
Experiencing anger as a caregiver, while unpleasant, is
understandable and common. Though it is never easy to accept
irrational feelings of hostility and resentment toward an ailing
loved one, it is vitally important for the caregiver to do so. The
entire family needs to understand and encourage the caregiver to vent
his frustration, fear and anger in a healthy way. Refusing to
acknowledge and deal actively with the anger will only result in a
repression of the anger. A caregiver who does not deal with his anger
may find himself acting it out in ways hurtful to both himself, as
well as to his sick partner.
Repressed anger does not go away, it simply bubbles up later in
unexpected, unhealthy expressions of resentment and bitterness.
Repressed anger, in this instance, causes a vicious cycle: the
caregiver wracked with guilt grows more angry, which in turn makes
him feel more guilty, which in turn makes him more angry and so on.
If a caregiver gets trapped in the cycle of guilt and resentment, he
often ends up depressed, unable to process his feelings, and
ultimately sinks into inactivity and lethargy.
The anger will be easier for a caregiver to deal with if:
family members who are not in the caregiver role lend an
understanding and empathetic ear to the caregiver and allow him to
express his feelings when he chooses
the caregiver understands that his anger is natural, understandable
and forgiveable, and he need not feel guilty for accepting it and
expressing it in healthy ways
the caregiver maintains a life for himself outside of his caregiving
role, which will both provide him with the proper venues for
expressing anger, as well as enable him to balance his anger with
some joy and happiness
In our normal lives we get angry from time to time. Imagine if, in
the midst of a bout of anger, all of your outlets for dealing with
your anger --exercise, the company of friends, your favorite videos,
long bubble baths, etc.-- were abruptly unavailable to you. What a
nightmare! When a caregiver shuts himself off from the aspects of his
life that were important to him before he became a caregiver, he is
putting himself in precisely that position -- just when he needs
those supports the most. To maintain strength and sanity, and impart
that strength and sanity to his ailing partner, the caregiver must
not neglect his own needs.
The Internet is a uniquely helpful venue in which to validate
feelings of anger, fear, and uncertainty. An online support group can
be ideal for a caregiver that is perhaps homebound with his loved
one, but still needs emotional support, therapy, and a place to voice
his feelings. In addition, the anonymous nature of support groups on
the Internet can make it easier for a caregiver to voice feelings
that he feels uncomfortable sharing with family or friends.
Dealing with emotions in a forthright manner, as they arise, will
help to cast an optimistic light over both the giver and the receiver
of care. Studies have shown a direct link between the immune system
and a positive outlook. Keeping hope alive is clearly the best
medicine. Resignation and despair in any area of life is a sure-fire
recipe for defeat. If you're a caregiver reading this article, thank
you for giving so much of yourself to another human being. Review the
Caregiver's Bill of Rights to help you through this difficult time,
and please avail yourself of whatever sources of support you can find
to help sustain your hope, strength and encouragement.
Copyright 2005: Mark Sichel is a psychotherapist, consultant, and
speaker on a broad range of issues related to family, mental health,
and interpersonal problems. He is the editor and principal author of
the award winning self-help website, www.psybersquare.com. For a
more detailed guide to overcoming the panic brought on by
dysfunctional family experiences, read Mark Sichel's new book,
Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being
Cut Off From a Family. For more information about this book visit
the author's website: www.marksichel.com
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